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Ceci N’est Pas Une Vice President

July 2nd, 2007 · 1 Comment · Comedy, Internet, Politics, Science

Flag CheneyThe award for the best Cheney post of the past week goes to Bob Harris, hands down.

It starts out good:

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: the last six and a half years would make a lot more sense if the GOP were actually performing a sophisticated Dada art exhibition.

This Cheney character would actually be pretty tolerable if he weren’t actually real. You could just say, OK, I see what they’re doing here — this is clearly modeled on the fictional Bob Rumson from Aaron Sorkin’s The American President. Then give him two drunk driving convictions, a lesbian daughter, and a wife who writes soft-core erotica, just so everyone knows the reactionary moralizing is all just a put-on. Then give him five Vietnam deferments and a continuing income from Halliburton so absolutely no one can find him credible on defense issues. Oh, and get his office involved in the outing of a covert CIA employee involved with monitoring the proliferation of WMDs in the mideast, and then have him claim national security as his keynote issue.

And then Mr. Harris delivers a couple of really excellent one-liners:

So now Dick Cheney is back in the executive branch. Until he decides he isn’t again. He’s like Schrödinger’s Cat, and Congress can’t open the box.

Ceci n’est pas une Vice President.

… and then the whole thing just goes off the chart with this list:

While we’re at it, here are a few other things Dick Cheney is and/or is not:

• A half-human gill-breather, allergic to sunlight, and hellbent on global domination
• Able to dematerialize at will, reassembling his atoms at an undisclosed location
• Bionic, with a titanium heart encased in cesium which cannot be stopped by anything short of atomic blast
• Careful to mark and catalog even his own bowel movements as Top Secret

… there are quite a few more items in that list of Cheney’s special characteristics, but for some reason, this is the one that made me laugh till I just about choked:

• Able to connect to the Internet simply by raising his hand and shouting, “Cheney online!”

I bet he doesn’t have to pay for broadband access, either.

I laugh to keep from crying.

Note: Bob Harris is not to blame for the LOLCheney caption above. That’s all Ocelopotamus. But is Flag Cheney wearing a metric buttload of Maybelline cosmetics in that picture or what?


One Comment so far ↓

  • Aaron

    I saw a website once that showed all the presidential candidates and their running mates in computer-simulated drag. My mom said that the Cheney one looked like one of her gym teachers in high school.